Critical reflection

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In unit 1 I explored the basics of what inspired my work, from cultural elements to the odd, the floating of the unsureness and the gaze, by mostly using painting and drawing. For unit 2 I will continue my exploration on the notion of belonging, identity and the struggle that comes with it by focusing on one element of sense, which is the feeling of the awkward. As well, in the technical aspect, I plan to expand my medium from 2d into 3d. I'll be taking my Fruit Salad series into the realm of sculpture and ceramic.

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The awkward 

Difficult, hard to do or deal with. Feeling unease, embarrassment or a sense of inconvenience. Uncomfortable or abnormal, odd.  (cambridgedictionary (2023) )

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Looking into more deeper feelings that I try to portray with in my work, I chose to explore the sense of awkwardness. A sense that lingers sometimes longer than the incident that allowed such a feeling to emerge. 

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When I had the pleasure of viewing Yamam Nabeel documentation, on the life of Iraqi painter Afifa Aleiby, (                                  ) She spoke about the hardship of picking everything up and moving to a new country, starting all over, time and time again, in some of which she didn't speak the language of. Never truly feeling belonged in any of the places she's been in, even when in Iraq for a visit decades after she had to flee. Yearning to be back in Iraq, yet when the time came, Aleiby still felt out of place, It's not the home she once knew. Around the end of the documentary, Afifa Aleiby said that not only does she still feel that sense of longing for Iraq, but her son, who never lived there, longs for it too. This is something that resonated with me, a feeling that's in heart about a place called Palestine. I long for it, even when I've never been, because of the thousands of stories I've heard, told by family, friends, and books, ones filled with stories like I Saw Ramallah written by Mourid Barghouti. Or movies, like Farha directed by Darin J. Sallam, and of course the thousands of poetry by internationally known figures such as  Mahmoud Darwish. Paintings, songs, photography of a place I am from yet have never been too.

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Why is belonging or/and fitting in so important to us, and what parts of the self needs it? Does the idea of belonging has anything to do with identity? Do we have to change or let go of certain parts of the self to find this source of belonging; A constant struggle.

In a book titled all about love, written by Bell Hooks, she realized that throughout her life, she never felt like she truly belonged. But years later, she understood why; it’s because she kept seeking that first notion of love, or what she defined love to be, first sense of belonging, that she once felt from her family. Although hooks couldn't remember when that feeling of love left her, All she wanted to do is turn back time and be in that ‘paradise’ again. I think Afifa Aleiby Was yearning for that, it's why she couldn't find it when she went back to Iraq; why she couldn't feel a sense of belonging, yet still yearns for it until today. That sense of love doesn't exist in Iraq in the present day. 

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Hook states that the only way for us to be able to move forward in life and grow, is to let go of the grief that comes with such loss of the love and belonging we once felt, because it is something unattainable and we can never go back to it, so we must seek a newer version of it. (Hooks, B. 2022. Preface) 

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I came across an instagram account named                     , that put a spotlight on a Lebanese Armenian writer, producer and creator, Angela Brussel, of a platform called                                         . This portal started publishing interviews on youtube with people, the diaspora, who are going back to their ancestral countries after decades from when their families migrated because of war, or/and different hardships that forced them to leave. The title of the series is called “everything has changed”.  in part one, which is an intro to what will come, Angela Brussel talks about her own journey as a diaspora returning to Lebanon from the states, she asks important questions which lays the foundation of what the video series will cover; “how do you decide what country if any is yours? Can you lay claim to both sides of a psychogeographic divide? can one ever really return?” (Womena, 2023. 0.25)

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What stood out for me is what Brussel said about how, even after her big move to a place she longed for, she realized that she'll never feel a true belonging there. As much as, because of the same way she has taken that leap into going back and ‘returning’ to Lebanon, she will no longer be able to feel a true sense of belonging in America either, a place where she was born, raised and called home. Becoming more accepting of these conditions, Brussel felt it was time to start ‘dismantling’ the notion and glory of the idea of return, which she addresses as a myth. She continues by saying that for her, it is more important to understand the concept of diaspora, and see how others in similar circumstances have created a sense of belonging-ness and through it a home. 

I never really used words or labels like diaspora, not even a migrant or immigrant to describe myself. There's a large and heavy notion, almost like a stigma, that comes with such words when used, and can feel ‘different’ if not careful with how it is used. I hear the heartbreak that can come from finding that ‘the right of return’ to be a myth, only because I understand the tragedy that comes with wars, fascist regimes, greed, destruction and all the division that comes from it. But the idea of ' the right to return' is something important, and is wrongfully named as a myth by Brussels. It comes from taking back what was once ours regardless of the condition, and re-build, starting anew is something we know we’ll have to do. This is what I mean when i say 'the heavy notion 'of words.. to return.. sadly doesn't mean everything will return as it was. 
 

I think my situation is a little bit different than Brussels, only because being from one Arab country, and living in another Arab country, allowed me to have some closer connections to Palestine. Arabs have a long history of blending-s, whether the reasons might be of war, friendship, marriage or even business. As well, there’s a lot of Arabs that have multiple blood lines which allows for, a slight, peace of mind, because it automatically comes with the responsibility of education; proper and true knowledge of history and circumstance, it builds sympathy, understanding and even a sense of respect that takes us a step a away from such labels as diaspora and immigrant, if at the very least, between each other within communities. Again, this is minor, but definitely major in comparison to living in the west that automatically gives such labels of other-ing. Another example is the media, the west doesn't properly give full coverage of what's happening in the middle east, connection is poor and one sided. But, In the Arab region, because of the general public’s interest in what’s happening to the neighboring countries, the media will cover more about it. And interestingly enough, you can find multiple points of view, whether you agree with or not. Although I do have the tendency to glorify Palestine, still, I’m not ignorant to my circumstance, the idea of return and if it ever comes, or if I will ever feel like I belong there. I am more then just Palestinian, I am Saudi, the country I’m born and raised in, I am Canadian, the country I lived in for four and a half years achieving a BA in fine arts, I am Bahraini, the country I lived in for twelve years, and now I am British the country that I currently live in. Growing and continuously evolving, adding another piece to the person that I am constantly becoming, so where do I belong ? 

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I think, because Brussels is still seeking a place of belonging, and couldn’t find it in the old stories, which she tried to do by returning,  she is now looking into collecting, meeting and getting to know similar people rather than a physical place. Un or Intentionally, through her documentation, she is building and creating a community that is of people who have gone through the same journey; a community of diaspora. Which in a way can be understood through the context of my work as: a basket full of morphed fruits, fruit salads.

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In one episode of the                 Podcast, hosted by Mikey Muhanna, which is an online conversational platform that explores histories and cultures in the Arab world, is an interview with Eli Rezkallah, who created                  Magazine. The episode was about Rezkallah's life and how he built his magazine from the ground up. Most interesting part of the episode was when he spoke about how, although he was born and raised in Lebanon and always loved it, he never was patriotic, he never thought of it in that way, what it means to be Lebanese. He just lived his life as normally as what normal was for him at the time. But everything changed  when he moved out of the country as an adult to the states. he said he “became obsessed with it”, the idea of being from Lebanon, and he’s not sure why.(Muhanna, M. 2023. 42.00) 

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Both Brussels and Rezkallah are from Lebanon. Here's a US born Lebanese who moved back to Lebanon, the other is born in Lebanon moved to the states, yet both had the same experience of 'romanticizing' Lebanon when they were far from it. What is it in the west that would make Brussels and Rezkallah feel  that romantic glorification of the same country of heritage? or in the case of Reskallah, how much of ‘othering’ does one go through in the west to then romanticize a place he knows very well?

This sense of othering, and creating a romantic notion of the East, is something I am trying to stay away from having it clearly visible in my practical work. I don’t use obvious Arabic elements or symbolism when presenting in Western and European countries. But I try to do so with something more subtle and common as fruits, flowers and everyday objects like scissors and knifes. Although all my choices are conscious and purposely chosen with my background and current state in mind, I still try to eliminate the first glance off, as Edward Said would say, the orientalist view. What I'm trying to say is actually perfectly expressed in the writing of Zarina Muhammads essays, titled 'The Problem With Diaspora Art' and ‘ The Problem With Diaspora Art 2’, published in The                            . Some topics that she covered discusses the problem with having artwork strongly driven by cultural elements, it can easily become objectified, less-a-fied and other-ed, rather than a subject that comes with its own conversation. There is a big difference between diaspora artists creating art, and artists creating Diaspora art that use stereotypical elements, which can easily leave the viewer in a freeze frame, pushing the artwork out from the conversation within the contemporary art that is dominant by Western and European world. I agree with a lot of the points Muhammad made, having such strong elements that is associated, not just with culture, but almost an old time line, stamp in history, will only bring up the walls that divide us. Ultimately we all create to remove borders of the foreign, then be able to have a conversation on what the artwork could be about, which is a human going through a very important experience, that is not alone in, and is in need of attention to hopefully maybe lessen the “othering” that the world has created.